This evening is an unexpected blessing to me.  Since we talked last summer and I left the invitation with you (under no expectations) to seek me out anytime for counsel, it became my desire to have that opportunity, and then, suddenly and unexpectedly, the Lord answered this desire of mine through the invitation to give this charge to you on your night of blessing.  What a praise!  God is so good.

In order to make things memorable—especially given the euphoria of young love that renders the mind a bit numb at moments like this—I would like to hang my remarks on one peg, on a proverb.  It is not a biblical proverb, but an English proverb that has helped me many times, both personally and in counseling others, and it is a proverb that I would like to share with you tonight.

An old Puritan once said, “Choose your love and love your choice” (Henry Smith). 

Pretty simple, but pretty profound.  Let me discuss each half separately. 

First, choose your love.

When my wife and I were first dating, I took her to a pie restaurant famous for its large selection of pies.  Lemon meringue.  Pecan.  French silk.  Coconut crème.  You name it and beyond, it was there, and all displayed on a large arrangement of circles hanging above the pie cabinet.  I can still see this arrangement in my mind over thirty years later.  And the reason I can is probably due to staring at it for half an hour as my girlfriend (my future wife) could not make up her mind what to pick.  She was paralyzed! 

Can you feel it?  The pressure!  The need to make the right choice!  “I won’t get another chance, so I had better make the absolute best choice.”  Can you see the reason for her indecision?

Now, perhaps you did not agonize over the choice of your bride the way that some young men do.  However, I want you to imagine what my future wife may have felt when her chosen piece of pie finally arrived.  “Hmm,” she says, “this is not as sweet as I thought it would be.  Perhaps I should have chosen a different one.”  Now, do you get my point?

At some mile down the marriage road, reality sets in.  “Hmm, she’s not as pretty as I thought she was.  Nor as kind. Nor as thoughtful. Nor as loving.”  Instead of seeing her as “the most beautiful among women,” the phrase used of the Shulammite in Scripture (Song 1:8; 6:1), you now notice that there are, in fact, quite a number of women more beautiful.  Instead of feeling that wonderful rush of “love,” which marriage counselor Gary Chapman rightly calls euphoria, you begin to have other feelings.  Irritations.  Frustrations.  Discontentment.  Even resentment.  Words are muttered under your breath, eye contact is avoided, and you begin to think that fishing more often might be a good idea.

Now, I’m not trying to discourage you, but I am trying to prepare you to own up to this fact: You are right now choosing your love.  No one is forcing you.  This is your choice, and it is a free choice.  Consequently, you will have no right in the future to go looking around and say to yourself, as my girlfriend back in the pie restaurant may have done, “Maybe I should have chosen a different one.” 

At that point in your marriage, I want you to realize how special your wife will be to you—how uniquely special.  She will be the only one you have chosen to be your wife.  Out of all the women in the world, she alone will be “the wife of your youth,” to whom God Himself will hold you accountable as the witness of your union, according to the prophet Malachi (2:13-16).  Moreover, as we learn from the Garden of Eden, she will uniquely be the one God Himself has joined to you.  Of no other woman will you be able to say, “God has granted me this woman.”  Regardless of how much her looks or personality may change (and both will!), these two facts will remain.  You chose her and God ordained it.  Therefore, because she is your choice, you must learn to love her.

And that brings us to the second half of our proverb: “Choose your love, and love your choice.”

Now regarding love, where do we start?  So much could be said!  Perhaps the broadest thing is the unique way that we as husbands can imitate Jesus in a marriage.  Just as He did not wait for us to become lovely before He loved us and died for us (Ephesians 5:25), so also, we have the privilege to love our wives, even when they are unlovely.  That especially is Christ-like love, and Christ in us can do this.  And then, no matter what it costs us initially, we have the privilege to seek her true beauty in holiness, just as Jesus Himself sanctifies and washes His church that “He might present [her] to Himself in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:27).

It is in keeping with this general purpose of Christ for His own wife, that I want to stress to you one aspect about love: Love does what is right.  According to Paul, the apostle of this Christ, love “does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).  According to another apostle, we should “entrust [our] souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right” (1 Peter 4:19).  “Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law” (Romans 13:10).

This truth will be extremely important for you to remember in decision-making.  When you know the right thing to do, even if it may not please your wife—and believe me, every husband has been there—please, please, please choose the right thing.  Entrust yourself to God and go for it.  If you do not, you may have her short-term happiness, but you may also have the long-term temptation to resent her, as if she made you choose the wrong option.  You are the husband.  The choice resides with you as the leader.  Therefore, own this responsibility and make the right choice.  Does that make sense?

Now, let me clarify this point, before I illustrate it.  First, I am assuming the matter at hand has some weight.  On many mundane things, such as how to stuff a card in an envelope or how to cook the turkey well, doing the “right” thing is not a moral issue, so deferring to each other’s preferences is often the truly right thing to do.  It just does not matter!  But then, with regard to weighty things, you may not always know what is right.  You will need counsel from older men, time with God in prayer and the word, and a readiness to learn from your wife, as women often notice aspects of life different than us, especially with regard to children.  As you can see, I am not saying that you should go with the first idea you think is right and then not be open to counsel from your wife.  No, seek her counsel, weigh it well, and then, after due deliberation, if you think an option is truly right, regardless of whether she will be pleased or not, pursue the right thing with all your heart.  This choice will be loving to your wife and to your family.

Now let me illustrate it for you.  Let’s imagine your post–euphoria marriage, seven years down the line, which is a typical time for couples to divorce.  Perhaps you have learned to be content with your choice of pie, but you may discover that your wife has begun to have her doubts about her choice of pie!  At first, it may be over small things.  You need a new hair style or a better stock of clothes.  Perhaps it is a new job, more money, better times, more fun.  Whatever it may be, you may find yourself trying harder and harder to please her expectations, in order to keep her satisfied with her choice.  What should you do?  What is loving?  What is right?

As a pastor, I can attest that this scenario is not uncommon.  Men and women both do it.  When the euphoria is long gone, both partners can sense that something is missing and both may look at the now-obvious deficiencies in the other and say, “There’s the problem!”  At that moment, brother, I want you to take the lead and give her Jesus.  This is not a cliché.  I’m dead serious.  At that moment, yes, confess your desire to improve, to love her truly, but then confess that the best that you can offer to her deepest needs is the Lord Jesus Himself.  Be the leader at that moment, and take your wife to Jesus.  It will be the right thing to do, because only Jesus satisfies our true and deepest needs.  And because it will be the right thing to do, it will be the loving thing to do!

Well, may God truly bless you to be the husband you need to be for your future wife and your future home!

Remember, “Choose your love, and love your choice!”

A Marriage Blessing for a Young Man

On this night, a week before your wedding, I am encouraging you to get a tattoo.  In fact, two tattoos.

But first, let me explain.

In the middle of the Bible, we have the wisdom literature—Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Songs.  Each of these books covers a practical topic of everyday life, such as suffering, worship, family and work, the meaning of life, and marriage.  Just think.  Here, within the pages of inspired writings, are God’s very thoughts about things we experience every day.  So, what does He say about marriage?  (I imagine this topic has some interest for you at the present time!)

Admittedly, the Song of Songs is difficult to interpret.  A love song, with many flashbacks and the musical equivalence of montages, this inspired poem is mysterious.  Perhaps the form itself is teaching us about marriage.  Instead of a life lesson learned in the linear fashion of step one, step two, and so forth, marriage is messy, something we learn by experience as we go, with memories of the past and dreams of the future crowding within the turbulent present.  And yet, even with the patchwork structure of this book, there does seem to be a very, very basic timeline of married life.

The middle of the book is the wedding night, with its veiled descriptions of intimacy and its rich imagery of taste and smell.  The section closes at the moment of union with the encouraging words, “Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers” (Song 5:1).  This line is a blessing on the physical union, the divinely-sanctioned oneness of the newlywed couple.  It shows us how physical intimacy works with God’s blessing.  Literally, it is a blessing of inebriation.  While it is a sin to become drunk with wine, it is wise to lose your mind in the moment of marital union.  A true wonder.  What happens next in the book, however, is what interests us today.

When the honeymoon is over—both physically and metaphorically—the man comes home late one night, all damp and drenched with dew, and asks his wife to open the door.  She refuses with the typical, petty excuses of everyday marriage life, “I have taken off my dress, how can I put it on again?  I have washed my feet, how can I dirty them again?” (Song 5:3).  It is as if she said, “Honey, I have a headache, and that headache right now is you.”  He still advances for a bit, but once she relents of her pity party, the man, in typical fashion, is gone!  The couple is no longer clicking, and this progression in the poem from the wedding night seems intentionally linear to me, as if we have here a typical pattern of marriage.

Right now, you and your bride-to-be are in the stage of marriage that veteran counselor Gary Chapman calls euphoria.  Like a Mountain Dew rush, you are running on the rarified fumes of high-octane love.  And this may last for a year or two.  Couples in this stage are very clingy and love to touch each other at any spare moment.  At some point, however, the honeymoon ends, and the Holy Spirit is warning you of a fallout.  No longer clingy, it will even be hard to look the other in the eye.  And it will feel difficult for you, perhaps even hopeless, to know how to repair the ruins.  In this stage of my marriage, my wife strongly resented me as the source of her unhappiness; but she would never tell me, because it would have hurt me.  However, I remember telling myself in those days that I was romancing the stone (a play on words from a movie at the time).  Then, after a decade, I remember feeling the frustration of her irritation with inner blurts in my mind, “Well, just divorce me then!”  Those days were not fun.  Again, what does the word of God say about this post-euphoria fallout?

First, it takes risky initiative to repair the ruins.  While earlier in the book, the woman is unharmed in her dreamy search for her lost man, she now is beat up (cf. Song 3:1-4; 5:7)!  Admittedly, both episodes are dreams, but I see reality portrayed.  It is a challenge to search for an estranged spouse, especially in taking the first step! 

Second, it often takes counsel.  She is helped by the ladies who ask her to describe her man and then offer to her their assistance.  Rather than receiving counsel for divorce, the wife is led to recall what about him she first enjoyed.  In doing so, the original match is struck and the search continues.

Third, once reunited, the couple enjoys even deeper intimacy than before, with both richer details of beauty and fresh plans of being together.  Ironically, studies have shown that marriages with seasoned love often have more satisfying sexual oneness than those in the early years of euphoria.  Marriage love is far more than physical touch and sufficient hormones.  In the words of counselor Larry Crabb, marriage love works best as the sequence of spirit oneness, soul oneness, and then body oneness.  As you and your wife find satisfaction and security in Christ, you will manipulate less and minister more.  You will become true friends and true lovers (cf. Song 5:16).  Such marriages have beautiful body oneness.  But it is gained through the risky reconciliation of post-euphoria fallout.

Here is where the tattoos come in.  At the climax of the book, the wife tells her husband, “Put me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm.  For love is as strong as death, jealousy is as severe as Sheol; its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD” (Song 8:6).  Like “Susie” inked on his shoulder of an old sailor, she too wants to be visible on his arm.  As a seal signifying ownership, she too wants to be proudly displayed as belonging to him.  And I too want you to wear your wife with pride before the watching world.  Be proud of her.  She is yours.  But even more, I want you to wear her on your heart.  It is perhaps significant that she mentions the heart first.  Just as the mouth speaks what fills the heart, so also a man will be outwardly proud of what he inwardly prizes.  Please, please take this message seriously.  Do not just tattoo her on your arm.  Tattoo her on your heart.  Make her the permanent possession of your deepest cherishing.  Obviously, as in the poem itself, we are talking about something much deeper than physical tattoos.  I believe that deep love—love that fights through the fallout—will first impress her deeply into your heart and then express her naturally in your pride.  Do not settle for anything less than such a deep impression and natural expression.

In the effort to fight euphoria, too many preachers and counselors point to the will.  “Love is a decision,” they say.  Or, “Love is obedience.”  And certainly, there is a truth here.  Love will lead to obedience.  “If you love Me,” Jesus said, “you will keep My commandments” (John 14:15; cf. 2 John 6).  Love will lead to patience and kindness and a whole list of virtues, but love itself is something mysteriously deeper.  It treasures and desires and holds onto what we love with natural tenaciousness (cf. Matthew 6:24).  No wonder the wife describes love as stronger than death, an unquenchable fire that can never be bribed or purchased for any price (Song 8:6-7).  Truly priceless!  That is what I want for you.  Do not be satisfied with mere willingness, let alone tolerance.  Strive for love, pursue it; ask for it, and beg it.  When the euphoria evaporates and you are tempted to be either separated or stay irritated, hold onto the hope of a better day.  A renewed, deepened love will tattoo her deeply on your heart and tattoo her proudly on your arm.

One final word.  Ironically, you are already tattooed.  As a believer in Christ, your heart is already tattooed.  It is a promise of the new covenant, which we have in Christ through the gospel, that God Himself will write His law on our hearts (Jeremiah 31:33).  While the Ten Commandments in stone failed to transform a people, the life of Christ in our hearts supplies what the law requires, and the law is summarized in love.  Praise God!  “Love is from God” (1 John 4:7) and you have already received this love.  Love is truly the “flame of the LORD” (Song 8:6) and you are already on fire.  You already possess what you need to love your wife for life.  Therefore, enjoy the euphoria, but know that the marriage tattoos will someday come through the tattoo of love which you already have in Christ.  God bless you much!  Amen.

Recently I conversed with a Christian about how to break a pattern of church hopping.  You know the situation.  A couple eagerly joins your church and throws themselves into a variety of ministries and conversations.  Then, after a year or two, they show signs of losing interest and eventually no longer attend.  What are some factors that contribute to this pattern of behavior?  Here are three possibilities.

First, some Christians struggle with issues.  The list is endless.  The style of music, the form of sacraments, the polity of governance, and the strategy of leadership and ministries and sermons are among the weightier matters.  Lesser matters, of course, exist.  We all have them.  According to Paul, the church needs to allow for a diversity of opinion in matters beyond the gospel and the moral law.  A healthy church allows for liberty of conscience, as long as members behave towards God and others in faith and love (Romans 14).  If members, however, hold too tightly to their “own faith” and demand that others comply, the church will soon be fractured.  And if a member seeks a church that matches his growing list of issues, he will quickly move from one church to home church to no church.  He will soon be homeless and helpless—unless, of course, he unfortunately has the charisma and audacity to start his own church with his own conscience guiding pastoral decisions.

In reality, the list of absolutes is quite concentrated around the gospel (Romans 1-11) and the moral law (Romans 12-13).  This list is in keeping with Jesus’ own criteria of identifying true Christians, and by extension, a true church.  First, we must ask: “Do they hold to the words of Jesus as the truth?”  Jesus said, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (John 8:31-32).  Those who leave His teachings do not have God (2 John 9).  Second, we must ask: “Do they maintain the fellowship of believers in love?”  Jesus said, “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).  It is not enough to have the truth, but not love.  The church in Ephesus had departed from its initial love and Jesus threatened to remove them as a church, even though they had rightly tested false apostles and shared in Jesus’ hatred for what the false teachers did (Revelation 2:2-7).  Dead orthodoxy is still dead.  But if truth and love are present, the local church is a viable candidate for our membership, regardless of the particular issues.  We must beware of letting issues drive us from church to church.

Second, some Christians struggle with love.  Due to indwelling sin and imperfect judgment, church members will inevitably hurt each other.  We are like porcupines—as one church sociologist once said—the closer we get to one another, the more we poke each other!  For this reason, the Christian virtues of humility, patience, forbearance, and forgiveness are absolutely necessary, if we are to maintain “the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).  True, there are times when an offence must lead to separation—as when a church member or leader interposes himself between us and God and unrepentantly demands that we listen to him (Luke 17:1-4; Matthew 18:15-17)—but such times are fewer than imagined by those who hop from church to church.  If we are easily offended and cannot forget a comment, it will not be long before we find it hard to continue at a church—especially if was caused or said by the leadership.

Related to this problem is the self-serving church member, who chooses a church based on how it meets his needs or the needs of his family.  Certainly, this can be a factor in decision-making—after all, we really do need each other (1 Corinthians 12:21)—but when it becomes The Factor, then the church becomes a means for our personal ends.  Eventually, we find ourselves using others to meet our needs.  Surely something is wrong here.  “Love…does not seek its own” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).  At the very least, we must remember that Christ alone meets our needs.  If He is present, all things are possible.

Finally, some Christians struggle with authority.  This struggle could be due to an abusive pastor in the past or to a legalistic church environment.  As stated earlier, Christ intends for the church to afford liberty of conscience.  Leaders are expressly told not to lord their authority over the faith of members (1 Peter 5:3; cf. 2 Corinthians 1:24).  Each Christian should be fully convinced in his own mind and have his own faith before God (Romans 14:5, 22).  And through their teachings, leaders should facilitate this growth in faith and love.  Any leader, however, who longs to be first among the brothers and who isolates their loyalties to himself should be resisted with a firm conscience.  It is not only acceptable, but advisable to leave a church under such unrepentant leadership (3 John).  And it is certainly understandable why the victims of such a church would have difficulty joining another church.

Whatever the cause of the struggle, each Christian should recognize his personal need for church authority.  We are sheep.  And sheep should have shepherds—literally, pastors.  While a church with truth and love is a true church, we thrive best in a true and ordered church, complete with a plurality of elders and deacons (1 Timothy 3:1ff; Titus 1:5ff; e.g., Acts 14:21-23).  While it is tempting to think that God’s word alone will keep our souls safe, as if merely preaching the gospel will keep everyone well, we know from the New Testament and from the analogy of God as our Father that the internal word works well with external discipline (Hebrews 12:5-11).  Truly, “the rod and reproof give wisdom” (Proverbs 29:15).  Therefore, we should welcome such authority into our lives.  Symbolically, this welcoming occurs through church membership, which allows for our leaders to know, in particular, for whom they must give an account (Hebrews 13:17).  To be clear, it is not solely the pastors who disciple and discipline the flock.  The ultimate authority under Christ rests in the church as a whole, especially in cases of excommunication, but the elders of a church have genuine authority.  They should be obeyed with appropriate submission (Hebrews 13:17; 1 Peter 5:5).

Issues, love, and authority—three factors that contribute to church hopping.  As a pastor, it breaks my heart to see members leave our church for little reason.  It hurts.  Yes, I recognize that the Church is bigger than a local church, so that in one sense it is healthy for there to be a fluidity between churches, both in members and in leadership.  After all, in the New Testament, we see Priscilla and Aquila in Rome, then in Corinth, then in Ephesus.  We also see Paul sending Titus and Timothy from church to church.  We are not to understand a church covenant to be a marriage covenant, nor are we to expect our pastor to stay for life, long past his effectiveness, as many pastors did in eighteenth-century England to the detriment of their churches.  The later awakenings in America showed the value of mobility.  That said, there should be a good reason for leaving a church.  In keeping with a church covenant, other members are entitled to hear of our reasons for leaving.  Hopefully they will see the validity of the choice; but even if not, the respect given should help to offset any hurt or offence.  They will simply be sad to see us go.  At the very least, we owe this respect to each other in Christ.  Such loyal-love and being-true-to-each-other finds favor both with God and with men (Proverbs 3:3-4).

Perhaps Spring Arbor University feels the same—at Hillsdale College, students often comment on The Bubble.  Isolated on campus, surrounded by same-age peers and same-old debates, students can be stifled and unprepared for the future.  Please, please, please—whether you are at SAU, Jackson College, or Hillsdale—come out of The Bubble.

Granted, the Bubble is busy.  Tempted by deadlines, it is easy to think, “I will engage in church life after college.”  After all, it is hard enough sometimes just to come on Sunday morning.

But what will change after graduation?  Will adding a spouse, some kids, a house, and a job equate to more time for church?  College is a great time to train for a lifetime of hard decisions.  Even more, college life will soon cease, but the church remains.  Students uninvolved in church often find the transition from campus life to church life difficult—but not if you begin now.

And will there be a lifetime?  What if the Lord’s return is soon, or your departure to Him?  The Proverbs say, “Do not boast about tomorrow.”  We should be ready either way: “I may live, so I will study hard; but I may die, so I will not live for studying.”

Think of it as an act of faith.  “Jesus, You know how pressed I am, but You give grace to the humble—surprising, unforeseen favor—therefore, I will bank on You, and put Your church first.”  One surprising grace is renewed energy.  The joy of the Lord is our strength, and ministry often brings joy.  Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

Are you game for a try?  Even if you feel like Peter in the boat, reluctant and barely willing—“Okay, Lord, if you say so”—you may find your meager faith disproportionately rewarded with loads of fish.  God does give grace to the humble, and He does oppose the proud.  It is very unwise for us to ignore the Invisible Hand of God in our planning.  He often heals us as we step out in faith.

So, is it music?  See Pastor Rob.  Is it coordinating college ministry and helping with rides and events?  See Drew and Bekka French or Sam Ryskamp.  Is it working with teens?  See our youth director Joseph Parker.  Or children?  See Deb Scripter, or Abe and Becky Dane.  How about working with the very elderly, as I did during my graduate studies?  See Dave Burns for times at Hillsdale Medical Care.  Lots and lots of opportunities abound!  And even if you do not know your calling, now is the time to explore.  Discovery awaits!

“And while he was at Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he was reclining at table, a woman came with an alabaster flask of ointment of pure nard, very costly, and she broke the flask and poured it over his head.”

—Mark 14:3

A beautiful act has a way of captivating our attention, and of influencing us to duty through almost a side-door of reasoning.  Jesus said of Mary, “She has done a beautiful thing to me” (Mark 14:6).  Let your mind be filled with the beauty of this event.  Do not be in a rush; this is a fragrant event worthy of a long intake of breath.

Unmotivated by guilt before God or by fear before men, she freely gave her Lord a costly gift.  Like the woman who earlier anointed His feet, she too loved much.  In contrast to that earlier woman, who loved much because she was forgiven much, perhaps Mary loved much because she had been given much.  She had recently received her brother back from the dead.  Either way, it is evident she loved Jesus greatly.

It is also evident that she gave unreservedly.  She broke the white, white flask, and poured out very costly, very pure perfume.  The disciples estimated its value at three hundred denarii, which was about the value of a year’s worth of hard labor.  These same disciples called it a waste, thinking of the utilitarian value for such a sizable amount.  With so many poor, how could this woman waste such expense on one man, in one event!  And what would we say to a gift of twenty thousand dollars?  Surely a lesser amount would have honored Jesus as well!

Jesus knew the cost, but He did not consider it a waste.  He said, “She did what she could; she has anointed my body beforehand for burial.”  The perfume had a use, and it could only be considered a waste, if the coming death were denied, or the dying Person despised.  It is interesting to ponder whether the scent of this perfume lingered on Jesus’ body all the way through the coming days of mock trial and bloody execution.  Perhaps so.  At the very least, we know from another gospel that the aroma of the perfume filled the room.

Jesus linked this act to the gospel, saying that wherever the gospel is proclaimed, her deed would also be told in remembrance of her.  Just as the broken bread and the poured out cup were to be done in remembrance of Jesus, so the story of the broken flask and poured out perfume were to be told in remembrance of her.  Such close parallels lend themselves to a comparison between the love of Mary for Jesus and the love of Jesus for us.  Just as she poured out pure perfume from a pure flask, filling the room with scent, so did Jesus.  His very life, the life of God, was held in a pure body until the day of His death, upon which He poured it out freely, filling the world with the aroma of His love.  How fitting that Jesus emphasized the spread of the gospel in commenting on the remembrance of Mary’s act!

In contrast, our love is often measured and calculated.  We calculate how we will gain from this expenditure, and we measure it out lest we should expend too much.  Pure love does not act this way.  Pure love gives unremittingly, begging for the opportunity to give.  This was the way of the Macedonian Christians, full of grace, giving both themselves and their poverty in joy.  This was also the way of the apostle, who said, “I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls.  If I love you more, am I to be loved less?”  This too was the way of Jesus, who became poor for our sakes, that we through His poverty might become rich.

John, the love of a husband should not be measured and calculated.  Like the love of Mary for Jesus, and the love of Jesus for us, you should be broken and poured out in love for your wife.  Little love will love little, and will be grieved if it is not returned or continues to be poured out.  Such love holds on tightly to personal goals and schedules, to personal honor and thanksgivings, and to personal space and pride.  Believe me, your home will not be filled with the aroma of Christ until all such grips are broken—indeed, until you are broken and poured out.  Do not measure your love or calculate your gain.  Be broken and poured out freely for your wife, anointing her with better perfume than she can wear.  The interesting thing of perfume is how it covers the stench of sweat and decay.  Such is the power of fervent love, which covers a multitude of transgressions!

This is not a feminine exercise, as if Mary’s love can be dismissed as a lady’s act alone.  If men are especially known for their task-orientation, Mary’s sister Martha surely lived up to that reputation.  No, this is a personal trait.  It is a trait of Jesus.  And it should be a trait of yours.  Believe me, we will detect the difference, whether such an aroma is present in your home or not.

In the New Testament, there are several passages on marriage, each with its own emphasis and necessary for us to take to heart.  We could turn to Ephesians and learn of Christ-like love, or to 1 Peter and learn of understanding and honor, or even to the book of Revelation, to learn of the wedding feast.  Tonight, however, we will turn our attention to a different kind of passage, to give you perspective on the time frame in which you soon will wed a wife.

“Now concerning virgins I have no command of the Lord, but I give an opinion as one who by the mercy of the Lord is trustworthy.  I think then that this is good in view of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is.  Are you bound to a wife?  Do not seek to be released.  Are you released from a wife?  Do not seek a wife.  But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned.  Yet such will have trouble in this life, and I am trying to spare you.  But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none; and those who weep, as though they did not weep; and those who rejoice, as though they did not rejoice; and those who buy, as though they did not possess; and those who use the world, as though they did not make full use of it; for the form of this world is passing away. But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided.  The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.”

—1 Corinthians 7:25-35

In wisdom, timing is everything.

For example, when opportunity knocks, you must not hesitate.

You must make hay when the sun shines; strike the iron when it is hot; and redeem the time, for the days are evil.

In many cases, the same action can be wise or foolish, depending on when it is done.

In the bear market, sell; in the bull market, buy (or is it the other way around?); but wait for the ball, then swing.

Our question tonight is: What does it mean to take a wife at the end of history?

In this passage, Paul is talking wisdom.  He clearly tells you that he has no command from the Lord.  There is freedom here.  He also tells you that he is giving you his opinion, as one who, by God’s mercy, is trustworthy.  In other words, you will not be told what is right, but rather what is wise, in light of present circumstances.  It is very situational.  He says, “I think then that this is good in view of the present distress…”

Ethically, if you are an idealist or a perfectionist, Paul’s counsel may be hard to accept.  He clearly tells you that while one choice may be better than another, they may both be right.  In hearing what he has to say, you must embrace the idea that choosing the lesser of two good options is not a sin.  It is not a sin to be less than idealistic.  By the way, you have already made such a decision.  You have already chosen the lesser of two good options, but you are not sinning.  What then does it mean to take a wife at the end of history?  It means doing something right that is no longer the best choice.

Time was when marriage was the best choice.  God looked upon everything that He had made, and saw that it was very good; but when He had looked on man, He saw that it had not been good for him to be alone.  Consequently, the Bible tells us that God took a rib, fashioned the woman, and rejoined her to the man, so that his flesh was once again complete.  It was good for him to marry.  The man may have lost his rib, but he gained his wife.

For many young men, it is definitely not good for them to be alone.  Single men often make money and live for themselves, buying big toys and caring for no one’s needs.  Once they marry—blessed be God!—they are forced to think on another, and soon, on several others, thereby making themselves tolerably useful in this world.  I know this happened in my life, and for that reason alone, it was a good choice.

But if in the beginning, God said that it was not good for man to be alone, here now at the end of history, Paul says that it is good for a man to remain as he is, even if that means not to seek a wife.  Though some may say that Paul is referring to some imminent persecution or to some other localized trauma, he writes in larger terms about “trouble in this life” and that “the form of this world is passing away.”  The wording of “this life” and “this world” seem global, not local.  He also says that the “time has been shortened”—apparently the timetable of world history—so that life as we know it is soon to pass away.  Eternity is upon us, making everything here relative.  Those with joys should not be elated, and those with sorrows should not be deflated, for these present circumstances are soon over.  Thus even those with a wife should act as single men, just as those with property and rights should not make full use of them, for soon we leave it all behind.

Timing.  It truly is everything.

So what does it mean for you to take a wife now, at the end of history?

First, taking a wife now will bring you trouble that could have been avoided (v. 28).  Given the times, you are about to face “distress” and you cannot avoid it.  The word “distress” literally refers to necessity, to a compulsive reality that will force you to experience trouble.  As in war and famine, when it clearly easier to be single, so also now, at the end of history, it is easier for a Christian to go it alone.  No details are given.  Just the fact of the matter is stated.

Second, taking a wife now will also bring you distractions that could have been avoided (v. 32).  You will have cares and concerns that will distract your attention away from Christ (v. 32).  While the single man can spend his time in perpetual prayer, like the widow Anna in the temple, the married man must keep one eye on Christ and one eye on his wife.  He must please both Christ and his wife.

It is interesting to see what marriage does to a man’s attention and focus.  I have seen a single man go from the simplicity of living in his truck all summer long to the citification of living with a woman who likes him dressed in suit and tie.  Colors, decorations, party planning, and flowers in the wallpaper all come with marrying a woman—things that single men are not concerned about.  How much better is devotion to the Lord that is undistracted!

Even physical intimacy is a distraction, though at first it may seem like the star attraction.  I remember my youth pastor making a comment in his thirties about sex as overrated.  As a teen, I was surprised by such an opinion.  However, if the studies are correct that men typically decline in interest beyond their teens, while women often rise in interest, then even intimacy can become a distraction over time—a fact that the apostle seems to acknowledge, when earlier in this chapter he wrote, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (v. 1).

Trouble and distraction—that is marriage at the end of history.  So what should you do?

First, you should marry your beloved with full confidence.  “Are you bound to a wife?  Do not seek to be released” (v. 27).  Since the apostle is addressing singles, and since the word “wife” simply means “woman” (Greek having no term for “wife”), this counsel probably refers to a binding betrothal commitment.  If so, you are specifically advised to follow through on your commitment to marry your woman.  It would seem that the apostle Paul is adverse to a change of plans, perhaps because changing plans does not reflect the faithfulness of God to His word—a thought Paul expresses to the Corinthians in a subsequent letter.  Therefore, embrace your decision as a right decision: “If you marry, you have not sinned” (v. 28).  To marry is right.  You should go ahead as planned.

Second, you should seek to please her.  One of the most freeing things about this passage to me, as a married man, is the open recognition that I live a divided life.  I must please Christ, and I must please my wife.  This recognition has helped my conscience at times when it has cried out to be solely devoted to the Lord.  I cannot, and Jesus does not expect this of me.  God be praised!

In history, there have been men who perhaps should have taken this recognition more to heart.  A. W. Tozer, for example, the famous preacher of the last century, seems to have been a man lacking in this area.  While being a phenomenal preacher, and an evangelist who turned many to a hearty pursuit of God, he woefully neglected his family.  Spending hours in his basement as an evangelical mystic did little for his wife, who said upon his death that Aiden loved Jesus, not her.  Even his biographer described him as a married monk!  Men, love Jesus and love your wife!  The Lord expects this of you.

Third, just as you should not live solely to the Lord, so you should not live solely for your wife.  There must be something different about your home now than was true of the saints of God under the Old Covenant.  While it may have been great for Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob to have children, servants, and property, in the present age such things are extremely relative.  Yes, please your wife, but do not lead her into making the home your chief priority, as if, for example, having a multitude of children is more godly and blessed than having one or two.  Timing.  To have too many physical children of your own in this age may prevent you from caring adequately for the spiritual children of God’s house.  “Who are My mother and My brothers?” Jesus once asked, to which He answered, “Whoever does the will of God, he is My brother and sister and mother” (Mark 3:33, 34).  The form of this world is passing away, and in the age to come, we will be like the angels, neither marrying nor giving in marriage.

Trouble and distraction, but no sin.  That is marriage at the end of history.  Full confidence, pleasing her and pleasing the Lord, and doing both in light of Eternity.  That too is marriage at the end of history.

It is possible, therefore, for both Jesus and your future wife to be happy.  May it be!  God bless you both in knowing how to live when you live!  In Christ’s name, amen.