This evening is an unexpected blessing to me.  Since we talked last summer and I left the invitation with you (under no expectations) to seek me out anytime for counsel, it became my desire to have that opportunity, and then, suddenly and unexpectedly, the Lord answered this desire of mine through the invitation to give this charge to you on your night of blessing.  What a praise!  God is so good.

In order to make things memorable—especially given the euphoria of young love that renders the mind a bit numb at moments like this—I would like to hang my remarks on one peg, on a proverb.  It is not a biblical proverb, but an English proverb that has helped me many times, both personally and in counseling others, and it is a proverb that I would like to share with you tonight.

An old Puritan once said, “Choose your love and love your choice” (Henry Smith). 

Pretty simple, but pretty profound.  Let me discuss each half separately. 

First, choose your love.

When my wife and I were first dating, I took her to a pie restaurant famous for its large selection of pies.  Lemon meringue.  Pecan.  French silk.  Coconut crème.  You name it and beyond, it was there, and all displayed on a large arrangement of circles hanging above the pie cabinet.  I can still see this arrangement in my mind over thirty years later.  And the reason I can is probably due to staring at it for half an hour as my girlfriend (my future wife) could not make up her mind what to pick.  She was paralyzed! 

Can you feel it?  The pressure!  The need to make the right choice!  “I won’t get another chance, so I had better make the absolute best choice.”  Can you see the reason for her indecision?

Now, perhaps you did not agonize over the choice of your bride the way that some young men do.  However, I want you to imagine what my future wife may have felt when her chosen piece of pie finally arrived.  “Hmm,” she says, “this is not as sweet as I thought it would be.  Perhaps I should have chosen a different one.”  Now, do you get my point?

At some mile down the marriage road, reality sets in.  “Hmm, she’s not as pretty as I thought she was.  Nor as kind. Nor as thoughtful. Nor as loving.”  Instead of seeing her as “the most beautiful among women,” the phrase used of the Shulammite in Scripture (Song 1:8; 6:1), you now notice that there are, in fact, quite a number of women more beautiful.  Instead of feeling that wonderful rush of “love,” which marriage counselor Gary Chapman rightly calls euphoria, you begin to have other feelings.  Irritations.  Frustrations.  Discontentment.  Even resentment.  Words are muttered under your breath, eye contact is avoided, and you begin to think that fishing more often might be a good idea.

Now, I’m not trying to discourage you, but I am trying to prepare you to own up to this fact: You are right now choosing your love.  No one is forcing you.  This is your choice, and it is a free choice.  Consequently, you will have no right in the future to go looking around and say to yourself, as my girlfriend back in the pie restaurant may have done, “Maybe I should have chosen a different one.” 

At that point in your marriage, I want you to realize how special your wife will be to you—how uniquely special.  She will be the only one you have chosen to be your wife.  Out of all the women in the world, she alone will be “the wife of your youth,” to whom God Himself will hold you accountable as the witness of your union, according to the prophet Malachi (2:13-16).  Moreover, as we learn from the Garden of Eden, she will uniquely be the one God Himself has joined to you.  Of no other woman will you be able to say, “God has granted me this woman.”  Regardless of how much her looks or personality may change (and both will!), these two facts will remain.  You chose her and God ordained it.  Therefore, because she is your choice, you must learn to love her.

And that brings us to the second half of our proverb: “Choose your love, and love your choice.”

Now regarding love, where do we start?  So much could be said!  Perhaps the broadest thing is the unique way that we as husbands can imitate Jesus in a marriage.  Just as He did not wait for us to become lovely before He loved us and died for us (Ephesians 5:25), so also, we have the privilege to love our wives, even when they are unlovely.  That especially is Christ-like love, and Christ in us can do this.  And then, no matter what it costs us initially, we have the privilege to seek her true beauty in holiness, just as Jesus Himself sanctifies and washes His church that “He might present [her] to Himself in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:27).

It is in keeping with this general purpose of Christ for His own wife, that I want to stress to you one aspect about love: Love does what is right.  According to Paul, the apostle of this Christ, love “does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).  According to another apostle, we should “entrust [our] souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right” (1 Peter 4:19).  “Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law” (Romans 13:10).

This truth will be extremely important for you to remember in decision-making.  When you know the right thing to do, even if it may not please your wife—and believe me, every husband has been there—please, please, please choose the right thing.  Entrust yourself to God and go for it.  If you do not, you may have her short-term happiness, but you may also have the long-term temptation to resent her, as if she made you choose the wrong option.  You are the husband.  The choice resides with you as the leader.  Therefore, own this responsibility and make the right choice.  Does that make sense?

Now, let me clarify this point, before I illustrate it.  First, I am assuming the matter at hand has some weight.  On many mundane things, such as how to stuff a card in an envelope or how to cook the turkey well, doing the “right” thing is not a moral issue, so deferring to each other’s preferences is often the truly right thing to do.  It just does not matter!  But then, with regard to weighty things, you may not always know what is right.  You will need counsel from older men, time with God in prayer and the word, and a readiness to learn from your wife, as women often notice aspects of life different than us, especially with regard to children.  As you can see, I am not saying that you should go with the first idea you think is right and then not be open to counsel from your wife.  No, seek her counsel, weigh it well, and then, after due deliberation, if you think an option is truly right, regardless of whether she will be pleased or not, pursue the right thing with all your heart.  This choice will be loving to your wife and to your family.

Now let me illustrate it for you.  Let’s imagine your post–euphoria marriage, seven years down the line, which is a typical time for couples to divorce.  Perhaps you have learned to be content with your choice of pie, but you may discover that your wife has begun to have her doubts about her choice of pie!  At first, it may be over small things.  You need a new hair style or a better stock of clothes.  Perhaps it is a new job, more money, better times, more fun.  Whatever it may be, you may find yourself trying harder and harder to please her expectations, in order to keep her satisfied with her choice.  What should you do?  What is loving?  What is right?

As a pastor, I can attest that this scenario is not uncommon.  Men and women both do it.  When the euphoria is long gone, both partners can sense that something is missing and both may look at the now-obvious deficiencies in the other and say, “There’s the problem!”  At that moment, brother, I want you to take the lead and give her Jesus.  This is not a cliché.  I’m dead serious.  At that moment, yes, confess your desire to improve, to love her truly, but then confess that the best that you can offer to her deepest needs is the Lord Jesus Himself.  Be the leader at that moment, and take your wife to Jesus.  It will be the right thing to do, because only Jesus satisfies our true and deepest needs.  And because it will be the right thing to do, it will be the loving thing to do!

Well, may God truly bless you to be the husband you need to be for your future wife and your future home!

Remember, “Choose your love, and love your choice!”

A Marriage Blessing for a Young Man

On this night, a week before your wedding, I am encouraging you to get a tattoo.  In fact, two tattoos.

But first, let me explain.

In the middle of the Bible, we have the wisdom literature—Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Songs.  Each of these books covers a practical topic of everyday life, such as suffering, worship, family and work, the meaning of life, and marriage.  Just think.  Here, within the pages of inspired writings, are God’s very thoughts about things we experience every day.  So, what does He say about marriage?  (I imagine this topic has some interest for you at the present time!)

Admittedly, the Song of Songs is difficult to interpret.  A love song, with many flashbacks and the musical equivalence of montages, this inspired poem is mysterious.  Perhaps the form itself is teaching us about marriage.  Instead of a life lesson learned in the linear fashion of step one, step two, and so forth, marriage is messy, something we learn by experience as we go, with memories of the past and dreams of the future crowding within the turbulent present.  And yet, even with the patchwork structure of this book, there does seem to be a very, very basic timeline of married life.

The middle of the book is the wedding night, with its veiled descriptions of intimacy and its rich imagery of taste and smell.  The section closes at the moment of union with the encouraging words, “Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers” (Song 5:1).  This line is a blessing on the physical union, the divinely-sanctioned oneness of the newlywed couple.  It shows us how physical intimacy works with God’s blessing.  Literally, it is a blessing of inebriation.  While it is a sin to become drunk with wine, it is wise to lose your mind in the moment of marital union.  A true wonder.  What happens next in the book, however, is what interests us today.

When the honeymoon is over—both physically and metaphorically—the man comes home late one night, all damp and drenched with dew, and asks his wife to open the door.  She refuses with the typical, petty excuses of everyday marriage life, “I have taken off my dress, how can I put it on again?  I have washed my feet, how can I dirty them again?” (Song 5:3).  It is as if she said, “Honey, I have a headache, and that headache right now is you.”  He still advances for a bit, but once she relents of her pity party, the man, in typical fashion, is gone!  The couple is no longer clicking, and this progression in the poem from the wedding night seems intentionally linear to me, as if we have here a typical pattern of marriage.

Right now, you and your bride-to-be are in the stage of marriage that veteran counselor Gary Chapman calls euphoria.  Like a Mountain Dew rush, you are running on the rarified fumes of high-octane love.  And this may last for a year or two.  Couples in this stage are very clingy and love to touch each other at any spare moment.  At some point, however, the honeymoon ends, and the Holy Spirit is warning you of a fallout.  No longer clingy, it will even be hard to look the other in the eye.  And it will feel difficult for you, perhaps even hopeless, to know how to repair the ruins.  In this stage of my marriage, my wife strongly resented me as the source of her unhappiness; but she would never tell me, because it would have hurt me.  However, I remember telling myself in those days that I was romancing the stone (a play on words from a movie at the time).  Then, after a decade, I remember feeling the frustration of her irritation with inner blurts in my mind, “Well, just divorce me then!”  Those days were not fun.  Again, what does the word of God say about this post-euphoria fallout?

First, it takes risky initiative to repair the ruins.  While earlier in the book, the woman is unharmed in her dreamy search for her lost man, she now is beat up (cf. Song 3:1-4; 5:7)!  Admittedly, both episodes are dreams, but I see reality portrayed.  It is a challenge to search for an estranged spouse, especially in taking the first step! 

Second, it often takes counsel.  She is helped by the ladies who ask her to describe her man and then offer to her their assistance.  Rather than receiving counsel for divorce, the wife is led to recall what about him she first enjoyed.  In doing so, the original match is struck and the search continues.

Third, once reunited, the couple enjoys even deeper intimacy than before, with both richer details of beauty and fresh plans of being together.  Ironically, studies have shown that marriages with seasoned love often have more satisfying sexual oneness than those in the early years of euphoria.  Marriage love is far more than physical touch and sufficient hormones.  In the words of counselor Larry Crabb, marriage love works best as the sequence of spirit oneness, soul oneness, and then body oneness.  As you and your wife find satisfaction and security in Christ, you will manipulate less and minister more.  You will become true friends and true lovers (cf. Song 5:16).  Such marriages have beautiful body oneness.  But it is gained through the risky reconciliation of post-euphoria fallout.

Here is where the tattoos come in.  At the climax of the book, the wife tells her husband, “Put me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm.  For love is as strong as death, jealousy is as severe as Sheol; its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD” (Song 8:6).  Like “Susie” inked on his shoulder of an old sailor, she too wants to be visible on his arm.  As a seal signifying ownership, she too wants to be proudly displayed as belonging to him.  And I too want you to wear your wife with pride before the watching world.  Be proud of her.  She is yours.  But even more, I want you to wear her on your heart.  It is perhaps significant that she mentions the heart first.  Just as the mouth speaks what fills the heart, so also a man will be outwardly proud of what he inwardly prizes.  Please, please take this message seriously.  Do not just tattoo her on your arm.  Tattoo her on your heart.  Make her the permanent possession of your deepest cherishing.  Obviously, as in the poem itself, we are talking about something much deeper than physical tattoos.  I believe that deep love—love that fights through the fallout—will first impress her deeply into your heart and then express her naturally in your pride.  Do not settle for anything less than such a deep impression and natural expression.

In the effort to fight euphoria, too many preachers and counselors point to the will.  “Love is a decision,” they say.  Or, “Love is obedience.”  And certainly, there is a truth here.  Love will lead to obedience.  “If you love Me,” Jesus said, “you will keep My commandments” (John 14:15; cf. 2 John 6).  Love will lead to patience and kindness and a whole list of virtues, but love itself is something mysteriously deeper.  It treasures and desires and holds onto what we love with natural tenaciousness (cf. Matthew 6:24).  No wonder the wife describes love as stronger than death, an unquenchable fire that can never be bribed or purchased for any price (Song 8:6-7).  Truly priceless!  That is what I want for you.  Do not be satisfied with mere willingness, let alone tolerance.  Strive for love, pursue it; ask for it, and beg it.  When the euphoria evaporates and you are tempted to be either separated or stay irritated, hold onto the hope of a better day.  A renewed, deepened love will tattoo her deeply on your heart and tattoo her proudly on your arm.

One final word.  Ironically, you are already tattooed.  As a believer in Christ, your heart is already tattooed.  It is a promise of the new covenant, which we have in Christ through the gospel, that God Himself will write His law on our hearts (Jeremiah 31:33).  While the Ten Commandments in stone failed to transform a people, the life of Christ in our hearts supplies what the law requires, and the law is summarized in love.  Praise God!  “Love is from God” (1 John 4:7) and you have already received this love.  Love is truly the “flame of the LORD” (Song 8:6) and you are already on fire.  You already possess what you need to love your wife for life.  Therefore, enjoy the euphoria, but know that the marriage tattoos will someday come through the tattoo of love which you already have in Christ.  God bless you much!  Amen.

Recently I conversed with a Christian about how to break a pattern of church hopping.  You know the situation.  A couple eagerly joins your church and throws themselves into a variety of ministries and conversations.  Then, after a year or two, they show signs of losing interest and eventually no longer attend.  What are some factors that contribute to this pattern of behavior?  Here are three possibilities.

First, some Christians struggle with issues.  The list is endless.  The style of music, the form of sacraments, the polity of governance, and the strategy of leadership and ministries and sermons are among the weightier matters.  Lesser matters, of course, exist.  We all have them.  According to Paul, the church needs to allow for a diversity of opinion in matters beyond the gospel and the moral law.  A healthy church allows for liberty of conscience, as long as members behave towards God and others in faith and love (Romans 14).  If members, however, hold too tightly to their “own faith” and demand that others comply, the church will soon be fractured.  And if a member seeks a church that matches his growing list of issues, he will quickly move from one church to home church to no church.  He will soon be homeless and helpless—unless, of course, he unfortunately has the charisma and audacity to start his own church with his own conscience guiding pastoral decisions.

In reality, the list of absolutes is quite concentrated around the gospel (Romans 1-11) and the moral law (Romans 12-13).  This list is in keeping with Jesus’ own criteria of identifying true Christians, and by extension, a true church.  First, we must ask: “Do they hold to the words of Jesus as the truth?”  Jesus said, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (John 8:31-32).  Those who leave His teachings do not have God (2 John 9).  Second, we must ask: “Do they maintain the fellowship of believers in love?”  Jesus said, “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).  It is not enough to have the truth, but not love.  The church in Ephesus had departed from its initial love and Jesus threatened to remove them as a church, even though they had rightly tested false apostles and shared in Jesus’ hatred for what the false teachers did (Revelation 2:2-7).  Dead orthodoxy is still dead.  But if truth and love are present, the local church is a viable candidate for our membership, regardless of the particular issues.  We must beware of letting issues drive us from church to church.

Second, some Christians struggle with love.  Due to indwelling sin and imperfect judgment, church members will inevitably hurt each other.  We are like porcupines—as one church sociologist once said—the closer we get to one another, the more we poke each other!  For this reason, the Christian virtues of humility, patience, forbearance, and forgiveness are absolutely necessary, if we are to maintain “the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).  True, there are times when an offence must lead to separation—as when a church member or leader interposes himself between us and God and unrepentantly demands that we listen to him (Luke 17:1-4; Matthew 18:15-17)—but such times are fewer than imagined by those who hop from church to church.  If we are easily offended and cannot forget a comment, it will not be long before we find it hard to continue at a church—especially if was caused or said by the leadership.

Related to this problem is the self-serving church member, who chooses a church based on how it meets his needs or the needs of his family.  Certainly, this can be a factor in decision-making—after all, we really do need each other (1 Corinthians 12:21)—but when it becomes The Factor, then the church becomes a means for our personal ends.  Eventually, we find ourselves using others to meet our needs.  Surely something is wrong here.  “Love…does not seek its own” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).  At the very least, we must remember that Christ alone meets our needs.  If He is present, all things are possible.

Finally, some Christians struggle with authority.  This struggle could be due to an abusive pastor in the past or to a legalistic church environment.  As stated earlier, Christ intends for the church to afford liberty of conscience.  Leaders are expressly told not to lord their authority over the faith of members (1 Peter 5:3; cf. 2 Corinthians 1:24).  Each Christian should be fully convinced in his own mind and have his own faith before God (Romans 14:5, 22).  And through their teachings, leaders should facilitate this growth in faith and love.  Any leader, however, who longs to be first among the brothers and who isolates their loyalties to himself should be resisted with a firm conscience.  It is not only acceptable, but advisable to leave a church under such unrepentant leadership (3 John).  And it is certainly understandable why the victims of such a church would have difficulty joining another church.

Whatever the cause of the struggle, each Christian should recognize his personal need for church authority.  We are sheep.  And sheep should have shepherds—literally, pastors.  While a church with truth and love is a true church, we thrive best in a true and ordered church, complete with a plurality of elders and deacons (1 Timothy 3:1ff; Titus 1:5ff; e.g., Acts 14:21-23).  While it is tempting to think that God’s word alone will keep our souls safe, as if merely preaching the gospel will keep everyone well, we know from the New Testament and from the analogy of God as our Father that the internal word works well with external discipline (Hebrews 12:5-11).  Truly, “the rod and reproof give wisdom” (Proverbs 29:15).  Therefore, we should welcome such authority into our lives.  Symbolically, this welcoming occurs through church membership, which allows for our leaders to know, in particular, for whom they must give an account (Hebrews 13:17).  To be clear, it is not solely the pastors who disciple and discipline the flock.  The ultimate authority under Christ rests in the church as a whole, especially in cases of excommunication, but the elders of a church have genuine authority.  They should be obeyed with appropriate submission (Hebrews 13:17; 1 Peter 5:5).

Issues, love, and authority—three factors that contribute to church hopping.  As a pastor, it breaks my heart to see members leave our church for little reason.  It hurts.  Yes, I recognize that the Church is bigger than a local church, so that in one sense it is healthy for there to be a fluidity between churches, both in members and in leadership.  After all, in the New Testament, we see Priscilla and Aquila in Rome, then in Corinth, then in Ephesus.  We also see Paul sending Titus and Timothy from church to church.  We are not to understand a church covenant to be a marriage covenant, nor are we to expect our pastor to stay for life, long past his effectiveness, as many pastors did in eighteenth-century England to the detriment of their churches.  The later awakenings in America showed the value of mobility.  That said, there should be a good reason for leaving a church.  In keeping with a church covenant, other members are entitled to hear of our reasons for leaving.  Hopefully they will see the validity of the choice; but even if not, the respect given should help to offset any hurt or offence.  They will simply be sad to see us go.  At the very least, we owe this respect to each other in Christ.  Such loyal-love and being-true-to-each-other finds favor both with God and with men (Proverbs 3:3-4).